To laugh or not to laugh-what a sad question

So, I don't know if you've noticed, but I tend to be a little silly and whimsical. Don't know rightly why, but there doesn't seem to be a cure. I am forever the weird one. :) Not that I object overmuch. I rather like being the odd one in a bunch. And boy am I.

In some places, I actually fit in. Me and my sisters get along famously. Even my brother, who we tormented mercilessly. We are alike in many ways, though that is to be expected with the whole growing up together that we were doing. And our silliness is definitely due to the fabulousness of our parents. With burping contests at the dinner table, movie quotes tossed out at random, a dad who was more likely to tease and joke than anything else, and a mom who wasn't afraid to sing silly songs, participate in camp pranks, and taught with laughter, how could we be any different?

And the extended family gets me, mostly. Some more than others, but they love me and accept that I'm just an odd duck.

California gave me my wonderful sense of humor and I was allowed to be silly and sarcastic. I was allowed to make puns and be outrageous. I could pop out of a closet and scare the pants off someone (usually my mother) and then laugh with them. I could dance around and generally make a fool of myself and have a grand ole time doing it. I could scream songs at the top of my lungs and hear my sisters answering with the next line from the other end of the house. I told jokes, I giggled. I laughed uproariously. I teased.

Apparently Idaho is a state without humor.

Nobody here gets me. I'm met with blank stares and complete incomprehension. I'm not that smart, and I know they aren't all stupid. But anything other than the most obvious jokes are just overlooked as a silly Californian being weird. And the jokes they find humorous...well I may just be too politically correct, but they all seem to be mildly offensive at best.

I don't laugh anymore. No giggles. I don't tell jokes. I don't tease - except my husband, but that's to be expected. I don't sing except to my daguhter. I don't dance at all. Sarcasm is too subtle. Silliness is looked at as immaturity.

That icky greenish stuff

You know, that stuff that everyone says is so important. The stuff you have to have in this country. That stuff that wars are faught over. That stuff that people are killed for. That icky ole stuff that's just so gosh darn important that if you don't have it you are a nobody. Sometimes worse than a nobody. Sometimes the lack of that icky-ness renders you invisible. Or it can even send you to prison.

I'm not talking lima beans here people.

Now, there are many way of obtaining that darn green stuff. You can trade your time and efforts for it. You can trade something you already have for it. You can take it from somebody who has some. You can wait for someone who loves you to die and get it from their lawyer. You can ask someboy for some. Someone could give it to you. There are even more ways than that. But all the rest are less and less likely ways to obtain it.

The bad part is, there are far more ways to lose it. If you plan to have a house, you'll lose some. If you plan to have a baby, you'll lose some. If you want to have a car or truck you'll lose some. Even if you ride the bus or take a taxi you still lose some. If you want some else to cut your hair you lose some. If you plan on eating you lose some. If you want to have lights on in your house, heat or a/c, water, TV, Internet, phones, and someone to take away your garbage, you lose some. If you want to take those cars or trucks anywhere you lose some. If you get bad habits and try to make more in an unreliable way you could lose a lot. If someone else pretend to be you they could take all of yours. There are too many ways to count.

It's so much easier to find places for it to go, than to find ways to get more of it.

It's probably the leading cause of worry in the average household.

I don't like it. I wish it wasn't a necessity. But it is. And so life goes on and the endless pursuit for that dumb stuff that people obsess over continues on. Whether I like it or not.

Home

"Home is where the heat is."

But what if your heart is in more places than one? What if you have a broken heart? Does that mean your home is broken as well? What if your heart is confused?

I think I might be homesick. If it's possible to be homesick while in your own home.

I miss my family. I want to go home. Which happens to be in Idaho, California, and Hawaii, all at the same time. Because that's where my heart is. Oh yeah, and for a little while Taiwan too.

I want to say that I'm a grown up who doesn't need to call home constantly. But I'm not. I want my mommy. And my daddy. And my little brother. And my sisters.

My family are my best friends. And I feel incomplete without them. How do people do this? They do it all the time. I feel like I'm about to fall to pieces quite often.

Somehow I can make this work. I can behave normally with no tears and no heartache. I'm sure of it. I just have to figure out how. Because so far nothing has worked. I cry a lot. Rather irritating. I just have to make sure Logan doesn't see. Or anyone else for that matter. I hate it when people see me cry. Luckily they can't see my heart.

Now, I don't mope around the house or anything melodramatic like that. I clean and take care of Piper and cook. I carry on as usual. I function. I'm just not... not quite myself I suppose. I miss the silliness I have with my sisters. And the fun conversations with my brother where he tells my everything that's going on with him and shows me the newest feature in his room. And the heart-to-hearts with my dad. And the advice and jokes and giggling and talks and fun with my mom.

Great. Now i started myself crying again. But you see, my family is such a big part of me, I just don't know what to do now that I am away from them.

Here is my home. I have my wonderful husband and adorable daughter. Both of whom I love fiercely. But they aren't everything. Logan is not my mother full of good advice and funny anicdotes, and Piper is not my silly sisters that make me forget about all the seriousness in life and just have fun.

No one can replace them. And I don't know what to do about it.

I miss my cousins. I miss my aunts and uncles. I miss my cousins kids. I miss my grandparents. I miss my brother. I miss my sisters. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I want to be surrounded by family. My family.

I love my family. They are my home.

Malls, Balls, and Calls

I had a lovely day today. It's Labor day, so my sister-in-law didn't have to go to work. So she and her daughter and my mother-in-law and I went to the local mall. We only went for a couple hours, all in all I think it was about 4 hours or so. We wandered around. We found cute clothes. We chatted. We bonded as women. Though my niece was mostly just excited about being able to ride in the little car carts they have there. But it was a good experience. And I got cute clothes and some good movies. Fun day.

And Here it is

Piper is really starting to get coordinated. She understands when something is in her hands now. And there's this ball inside another ball that's part of her little fishy playstation thingie that she absolutely loves. It's soft and she grabs it in both hands and waves it all around before throwing it with surprising accuracy at whatever is nearest that will make plenty of noise. Which then startles her and usually illicits a shriek or two. Of course, I don't know that she does it on purpose, what with her being just shy of 5 months. But I tend to think that the frequency of such occurances cannot just be chalked up to coincidence. I could be wrong though. It's happened before.

No pictures with our crashed computer but balls are always somewhere

It seems like the only time I really get phone calls is when someone is trying to sell me something. Rather irritating. So this is me sending out a not-so-subtle hint that I wold like some calls of substance. Not concerning my substance and how much I'm willing to part with for something I neither want nor need. But a call from someone who cares more about how me and my daughter are doing rather than if I'm satisfied with my satellite provider. I want to hear from my family and friends. I want to hear about your days and lives and the world out there. I want to know I'm not just a potential customer. I want to hear from you!

Please???